hi. this is no happy rant – but i really need to let these things out and i have no idea where to go. i have been struggling with myself and my labia for at least six years now. to put it nicely i am so extremely sick and tired of myself. i’m in my early twenties and all i really want to do, is to live my life and fool around and be young and dumb. i’ve only had sex twice, both times really really drunk. the guys didn’t say anything bad about me or my horrendous vulva, and for that i am extremely grateful. i know that people with vulvas like mine have boyfriends and sex lives and what not, but for me it is not working out at all. every time i’m naked (both when showering, changing clothes etc but especially when having sex) and can’t stop thinking about how deformed and unattractive i feel. not only do i have a very manly vulva, i also used to have a third nipple, which i got removed some years ago. all this mess in my “womanly” zones really make me feel like a freak and it is scattering my feeling of self worth and my ability to be (enjoy being) a sexual being. when i’m having sex my mind completely freezes and the only thoughts in my head is how incredibly disgusting and just plain wrong my pussy is, and how the only right thing to do is to either destroy myself or my pussy. i know this is irrational thoughts and trust me, i am doing everything i can to keep them down. self destructive thoughts of that type are quite the mood killer in the bedroom. i do get horny and i do want to have sex, but even if i was ever brave enough to put my biggest insecurity on full display, i would never be able to enjoy it. i don’t even enjoy masturbating because – surprise – it involves my vulva, and literally every time i think of it, my thoughts immediately go straight to the self destructive / borderline suicidal thoughts. i have heard some people talking about doing it with the lights off, but for my that doesn’t change anything. just entering my pussy is a two-person job and there is no way my weirdly large labia could be overseen or ignored. when i was younger i was more okay (not okay at all, but compared to the current state) about my pussy, but during the last couple years it has just gotten worse and worse. right now i don’t even want to flirt or kiss or whatever because why should i? at the end i will still have to reject intercourse and then it’s just been a waste of everyone’s time. i feel so lost. if nothing is drastically changing the few years i cannot keep going anymore. i have been alone my entire life, i can really feel that NEED to feel loved/accepted/desirable. i see a lot of post here where people feel so relieved that they are normal. i really wish that would work for me too, but it just doesn’t. i am well aware that i am not sick or wrong or malformed (even though i definitely feel like it). i just wish that big labia wasn’t an unattractive thing, or something people only really like if they have a fetish for it. i’ve attached a picture where you can actually see what is what, and not just a big bunch of dangly meat. i am really sorry if some people feel attacked by this. this is strictly and only about my relationship with myself and my body. i really just need to share my thoughts with somebody.
Thank you for being brave enough to share. I know that it is a very difficult topic for you, and I am proud of you for recognizing that there is a problem and opening up about it instead of bottling it up. You may not realize it yet, but you have just taken a huge and important step in your journey towards self-acceptance.
That journey is not an easy one and will not happen overnight. Deep-seated issues like this can take months or years to overcome, so please understand that you have a long road ahead of you. But please also understand that there is an end in sight. Many women who go through similar insecurities regarding their bodies and vulvas are able to overcome them.
In your case, it would be a good idea to speak to a therapist who you are comfortable with, as your issues are psychological rather than physical (it is clear that you already know this, as you mentioned that you know you are not “malformed”). For what it’s worth, based on your picture, I can assure you that what you have described as a horrendous vulva, is in fact perfectly normal and beautiful in its uniqueness.
It is also clear that you are feeling pressure to have sex, but at the same time, are experiencing shame and insecurity which is preventing you from going through with it or enjoying it. It may be a good idea to take a conscious decision not to share your body with anyone until you have worked through and overcome your issues – not a decision based on shame and internal conflict, but rather one based on the fact that you will focus on your self-healing first.
Lastly, I am here for you if you ever want to talk or share or off-load in a safe and non-judgmental space.