Embarrassed to reveal my labia to anyone

I found this amazing project a few months ago and it has made me feel less alone. For years I have been ashamed and embarrassed to reveal my labia to anyone. This has caused me to manipulate relationships when I know that sex is the next step. I will often distance myself & have missed out on many great guys because of this. I’m 24 now and am still a virgin because of the fear and insecurity I have created. I haven’t even experimented with oral sex because of the fear of a guy going down on me; i believe I will feel violated even though my friends have told me it’s an amazing experience. I have read on numerous websites that a lot of men love larger labia because it’s pleasurable, they find it beautiful, or some simply don’t care, they’re just happy to share a sexual experience with you. I am aware that what is down there is okay, but it’s still preventing me from being vulnerable with another person. I know that I need to overcome this fear because it’s holding me back from having a meaningful relationship that I’ve wanted for years.

I’ve read your submission several times over—because the issue you raise does not appear to be simple shame about the size, shape or color of your labia, though you certainly mention that you’ve read that “a lot of men love larger labia.” This leads me to believe that you’ve thought of your labia as larger, but you seem to have worked through at least some of your hesitation about your labia and are moving into self-acceptance.

 As a sex coach, I am far more concerned about the sentence in your submission in which you say that you have avoided oral sex because, you “believe [you] will feel violated even though [your] friends have told [you] it’s an amazing experience.”  Fearing that you would feel violated as a result of normal sexual activity suggests to me that you might have some unresolved sexual trauma in your background. I recommend that you consider seeking out a sex therapist and sharing your concerns so that you can resolve your fear and shame, and be able to have the meaningful relationship you very much deserve.

You’ll want to seek an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist if your can find such a person in your area, or at least a therapist trained in helping people manage sexual trauma. Resolving trauma can be hard work—but I can assure you, it is well worth the effort. I wish you the best of luck in your healing process.

xo, Coach Jane

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